~* Just Ian *~

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Well 15th Jan… My birthday. I had the best birthday to tell the truth. BEST out of all the five years in high school. Marcus and the so called  have no idea…the English gang?? Sweat. Well, it really shows you who your friends are you know.

I was really touched this time around. Love them!! >.<

Sometimes the whole world’s full of bullshit… You expect so much from the people that you care for and they just let you down. Yes, the little things I can bear with, but when it’s important, don’t you talk that way to me. I can bear with you as much as you can bear with me. I try to change, to make things easier, and sometimes I hope that you can too.

Sometimes when you want a person real badly, you can’t help but get jealous. Every little thing that they do just makes you wonder. You wonder if they’re telling you the truth and you wonder what they are doing during every moment not spent with you. but really, you already know. You just guess and wonder so that you don’t disappoint yourself. But then again, they have their lives, their friends, their partners. You don’t expect them to not see them right??

In the end it isn’t always about whats going on now. It’s about whats going to happen in the future. Let’s say that you really love this person and you want to marry her but you’re not even with her at the moment and that this person has another. So what are you gonna do?? Most would probably want to be with that person right away. But think again. If you really loved her that much, you’d be thinking ‘ I want to be your last.’ Why?? Well, the last means that he or she is yours for life. Cute isn’t it? But however logical it may sound, it’s as absurd as can be in every single way.

There are a few things that I would like to share with everyone on what I read in the TIME magazine on Mother Teressa. Nope, this isn’t about religion. It’s the part about love and life, which I found to have been able to help me cope through some difficulties I’ve had and have.

"How can you assume the lover’s ardor when he no longer grants you his voice, his touch his very presence?"
- Well, this is one of the many problems in the love we face today isn’t it?

"She was a very strong personality. And a stronger personality needs a stronger purification as an antidote to pride."

"Let’s say you’re married and you fall in love and believe with all your heart that marriage is a sacrament. And your wife, God forbid, gets a stroke and she’s comatose. And you will never experience her love again. It’s like loving and caring for a person for 50 years and once in a while you complain to your spiritual director, but you know on the deepest level that she loves you even though she’s silent and what you’re doing makes sense."
- This is the most meaningful sentence describing love. Use it well as a guide. To   me, this is what love is. I love her, yet unresponsive she may be having a boyfriend, I wait. Because deep inside, I know there’s still that space that once held her love for me.

"The tendency in our spiritual life but also in our more general attitude toward love is that our feelings are all that is going on. And so to us the totality of love is what we feel. but to really love someone requires commitment, fidelity and vulnerability."
_ And so to those many out there. Love, isn’t just about feelings. It’s more than just that.

You know something? I actually broke down. And this time, it was for real. I felt like dying and I even recorded two videos. The pain was so immense and intense you could drown in it. I said all those things that I’ve wanted to tell you in a long time. All the most important things that I’ve wanted to tell you but never did. I never wanted to become an intrusion in your life. I just wanted to be there… The loss, the pain, the want… Look. Complaining here is just another piece of bullshit crap.But the thing is, I’m drowning…

Please free my heart from this pain…
I’m holding on to it, just waiting for you…
The pain from repeated stabbing of my heart’s too much…
Too much to bear…

Okay,
Yako.
lol…

Well, to start things off, my mum’s nagging at me again
"Ian!!! The holidays aren’t here yet you know!!"
Welll, to me they are… Come on, it’s the PMR break mum… Give me a break will ya?? Well, to tell the truth i really don’t need a break right now. I have no idea where my chemistry is headed and my other science subjects like biology and physics are in great shape just that i have to get all the experiments into my head… OUCH!!! System Overload. Haha.. And my add math is still a total mess… My worst nightmare. Oh yeah, not to mention that i still have history to cover…

I just realised that that history text book that my cousin gave me has a few pages glued together… Great… Now i have to get someone else’s book to photocopy. I asked Ee Ling and she said yes. This is a good thing, she lives near my house. Well not that near to say that it’s walking distance, i still need a car… Suddenly, all this talk about history reminds me of this really old song i used to listen to in my dad’s collection of golden oldies. I think it was from the 50s. And it’s still ringing in my head, seeing that this is the situation, I’ll let you in on the song.

" Don’t know much about history
  Don’t know much biology
  Don’t know much about a science book
  Don’t know much about the French I took

  But I do know that I love you
  And I know that if you love me too
  What a wonderful world this would be "
– Wonderful World, Sam Cooke

Ahhh.. those wonderful memories of childhood. This reminds me, just recently, i visited Wan Ying’s blog and saw her post. My my, was it wonderful. She posted so many pictures i never knew existed. Lol. Yep, that’s the funny part. All those pictures taken during the primary schooling years. I downloaded the pictures and now I’m going to let you have a sneak peak in my primary school life.

Well, this is my class.
6M, 2003. Its the graduating class.
Too bad the picas are all soo small.
You can even see my form teacher in the picture!!

This handsome young man here is ME!!!
Haha.. Don’t i look cute??

This is Zi Ying, or Hobart.
He gets No.1 every year…
Must be his name. Lol!

Everyone, this is Wan Ying.
One of my closest friends.
The best thing is that we still keep in touch!!
I love her!

Here on the left, we see a rare Janette-saurus. Shes one of my best friends as well. Still keep in touch. We were like the English speaking group of the class.
On the right is err.. Forget her name.. sorryy…>.<

Ahh… This my friends, was my primary school crush.
Li Hung. I actually had a crush on her for 4 years. Unbelievable~
Embarrassing moments when my friends blurted it out that even the form teacher knew about it..

This is Tze Han. I had a tough time getting his name right after not seeing him for so long. I mixed him up with Chee Siong’s name..

Jia Ji, Ruen Fei, Ian.
Just having fun! Great smiles!!
Jia Ji was the kid whose mum did our photocopying.
I hope i didn’t get his name wrong..

This is the headmaster.
I don’t know much…
Has he retired???

This is our vice principal.
I don’t know where all my teachers are anymore..

Well~ that’s the end of the show kids!! See you next time!! Time to upload my pictures into Friendster!!

" n at least sumone who is always be wif me n wipe my tears whenever i cry.. "

Someone? Only one person? Thats him again right?

Can you not put that there? Because i cant stand it. And to think of the times i visit you page, it pains me just by glancing at it without even reading it. I don’t wanna see it. But hey, it’s your page, not mine. You didn’t ask me to visit it right? I can’t help but feel the pain dealt by that that sentence, the poison slowly seeping through my veins, burning, until it reaches my heart. Do you know what my favourite sound is? Its silence, the silence that comes to heal the pain… But yet, silence healing the pain is yet another illusion. It doesn’t heal, but hides.

Sigh… When i thought that i could be able to see you happy and be happy for you just for once, i was wrong. Thats kinda the hardest thing to do. Now i understand how you felt for those four months. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but the fact is, i did. Something i’d do anything to take back. When i wasn’t there, he dried your tears. And now that i’m here, i want to continue doing that. Too bad, no vacancy. That pain you felt must have been excruciating but in the end you forgave me. I still haven’t forgiven myself for everything i’ve done to you, to our relationship and to myself, but especially to you and to our relationship.

I never wanted you to forgive me. Why? because that way, at least i could take the pain as a form of penance. Also, i didn’t want you to forget me, i wanted my place in your heart to never be moved in any way, that my position would never change in your heart. I was afraid of the so many things that were to happen because of what i did. I still am… I don’t want to lose you and i really don’t want you to have any reallocating of seats in your heart. I know this is selfish, but i’m scared of the fact that even when you break up with him, and no matter how hard i try to get you back, you reject me. I’m scared, thats why i don’t ever want to see you mad at me. I’m scared of the fact that when that happens one day ans you don’t want me or even  not want to see me anymore… I can’t live without your attention and your care… the times when you ignore me are the times which are the most excruciating of all.

Now, all i want is for you to be happy. But to tell the truth it isn’t easy seeing someone you love with another. How do you expect to be happy for her? All you have running through your mind is the wish that they break up fast.Then another conflicting thought comes to you,that is you love her, and you can’t bear to see her sad… I don’t want to see you sad for even one minute, but the yearning for you causes me to change my mind, that i don’t want to see you happy with him for even a second. For me, you with him is already too much to bear.

Why him? Ive always thought. With his credentials, i’d rather get a beggar. Or is it the fact that the studies show that many women are actually attracted to convicts and those with bad records due to the thrill and the excitement. And when those people treat them well, those women think of it as benefits because those people treat other people badly, resulting the women to feel extra loved. Or is it just because of the mere fact due to psychology? Like how those churches get members. They just wait till those people are at their weakest points in life to offer them help and to show them what their religion can do. When these people undergo emotional turmoil or a big change in their life, they turn weak emotionally and mentally. Is that what he did? When i dropped you to your lowest, he picked you up and now your hooked?? Sigh… thought that you were smarter. You may deny it, but you won’t know because your emotions are guiding you. And still you may deny it because your heart’s with him.

If you were to get someone better, i wouldn’t have anything to say. But him, i just don’t see how you could get with him. Love has to be realistic too you know. You can’t live on empty stomachs or thin air. Are you sure? I just don’t want you to waste you life. I’m not being subjective to anything, i’m merely telling you the truth. Be realistic. Like what Owen Wilson said in the ‘Wedding Crashers’, "I’m not asking you to marry me, i’m just asking you not to marry him." Do you understand what i’m trying to tell you?? I don’t think you would since you’re so deeply entrapped. And even if you did get it, You’d be supporting your decision solely based on your emotions rather than on the minimum required amount of logic. You’ll probably be saying this again, " never do sumthing that will make u regret..so i never regret of my own
decisions on everything..at least i will try my best to convince
myself.. ". What are you trying to do?! Sometimes you have to realise that some decisions made are wrong, and try to change them not stick with it until you fall into the ditch. You can’t keep convincing yourself not to regret your own decisions. Do something about it. Make a change. I don’t want you to fall into the ditch by convincing yourself on all the wrong things. Maybe things will be okay for you for now, but you never know what might happen in the future before it’s too late. I just want you to put on your glasses before you look at people. In the end when you find out more, you’ll know that you aren’t pretty sure yourself. but then, i know that you’d tell me this instead " I won’t know till i find out, and no matter what we will go though it as long as we love each other. " Or maybe something like it. That, will make me soo pissed because i don’t want you to be too emotional due to the fact that you are. I don’t want you to end up like my big sis with her emotionally abusive, obsessive, controlling boyfriend that she used to have for a long time. She only broke up with him after a long long time. And int the beginning he never showed his true colours and she believed him just like you believe him. he only showed them after a long time. How sure are you of him? How long have you even known him? You can never really tell can you?? Don’t be so naive. I’m worried about you. That’s a fact, not because i want you for myself. Because if you got a better guy, i would have no comments at all. Point noted, I DON’T TRUST HIM AT ALL. TOTALLY. NIL. At least i feel that i can trust that Choon Lim more than i can trust him even though i don’t trust him at all due to the fact that he back stabbed me.

I don’t want you to regret and neither do i want you to convince yourself not to. Because if you do go to a stage where you have to convince yourself, that’s just plain lying to yourself, you can forget about the rest.

I know that sometimes i treat people like trash and that they are unworthy beings. But please just don’t ignore me or treat me like a total stranger. Yes, you can have time off before you forgive me… But please don’t treat me this way. I know i’m wrong.. and i know you want me to change. But please don’t treat me this way… You know how i get when you ignore me. Its not anger, its not just sadness, its not just sorrow. Its that feeling of hopelessness,everything mixed up. Sadness, pain.. everything.. u make me so hopeless and wanting your forgiveness… to change, all i need you to do is not to ignore me… i will change.trust me..i know that you’ve given up.  But just this one time, don’t. I don’t know when everything will be alright.i know that somethings lost.. something irreplaceable at least you had feeling for me while you loved him. but now, i can feel that its all gone. whats the point? i cant bring the dead back to life, i cant be who you’ll love. im just nobody, somebody no more. least when you still had feelings, i feel like somebody. now its all gone. im just nobody no more… i feel like giving up. But the thing is, i cant. im unable to.. im weak,but my heart just keeps pumping. its because i still love you.

Sometimes when im pissed,i think.

and then ill say

im sorry that im not your boyfriend
not "perfect" in every single way
im sorry that im not your boyfriend
not flawed the way he is
Im sorry that im not your boyfriend
not good at what he is

Im sorry that im not a smoker
not letting you smell my smoker’s breath
im sorry that im not a smoker
not wanting you to mourn death
im sorry that im not a smoker
not wanting you to die because of me

im sorry that im not a dropout
wanting to have a future
im sorry that im not a dropout
wanting to have decent pay
im sorry that im not a dropout
not wanting you to suffer with poverty

im sorry that im not a thug
not fighting with punks everyday
im sorry that im not a thug
not wasting you away
im sorry that im not a thug
not endangering your life

im sorry that im not selfish
not ruining your future
im sorry that im not selfish
not wasting your life
im sorry that im not selfish
wanting you to have a nice life

im sorry that im me
wanting you to have the best
im sorry that im me
loving you the way i do
im sorry that im me
wanting to be with you

Well yesterday was kinda big. Why? cause it was Wen Lu’s sweet sixteen!! And of course, it was also Hui Inn’s mum’s birthday. So how can that not be big??

Called Wen Lu to wish her and smsd Inn’s mum to wish them.Then later i stumbled across Lulu’s  pictures taken in Taiwan during the last hols… Though I may like the pictures, they sure cost me my chance to hang out with her cause she was in Taiwan at that time. To tell you the truth, the last time I saw her was about 9 months ago… After I saw her pictures, I was just so overwhelmed… One song to describe it all Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girl. She just gets more and more beautiful by the day doesn’t she?? Lol, don’t kill me. I’m just telling the truth.

One more thing, I think I’m going to have two blogs. One here in Friendster and another one on Msn Spaces.

I have decided to close down this blog until I have full awareness of what I’m doing. These few days have been a wreck and I’m really dumbfounded by myself. I really wish that I can sort myself out.

So until I really do that, this will be my last post.